Small Ears

Having kids at home means that there are small ears everywhere. They are hearing your discussions and absorbing both things you say and your general mood. If you haven't, check in with your kids. They might be worrying more than you think. At least, that's what happening in our household:

Night before last, as Toe was getting ready for bed, I noticed his hands were red and raw. This is a boy who takes hand washing VERY seriously. He nags me when I don't wash my hands long enough (and I usually remind him that I washed my hands five minutes ago and will do so again in the next five minutes) and is completely outraged by the non-hand washing that regularly happens among his middle school peers. I had him slather up with lotion and go to bed.

And then I woke up in the night with the realization: those red, raw hands mean he is washing even more than normal (which, in our case, is a lot). I then thought about Toe reading over my shoulder that night as I scrolled through Facebook. He has been within earshot as I have discussed the news with J or people on the phone. Like many of you, I've been leaning on the news cycle pretty heavily. I have been reading the news, sharing articles with J, discussing the latest statistics or new information multiple times a day. I have been a little overwhelmed by the numbers, by the changing landscape, but I have been afraid to take a break from the news in fear of missing some crucial piece of information.

Meanwhile, as a family, our self talk has been positive. We remind ourselves that as a family with CF, this is what we do. Toe says, "Social distancing is nothing, I have been isolated in a hospital room for two weeks with a PICC line and a blood clot!" He is chirpy and mostly joyful.

But the more I thought about it in the night, I realized that I am seeing little signs of his anxiety: extra hand washing, surprising grumpy moments, grabbing and hugging me much more than normal... Toe is twelve. I need to remember that although he is very mature, with a wide range of experience, he is still a kid.

So yesterday morning we had a little talk. I asked him how he was REALLY feeling. He said he's scared and missing his friends. I told him that it is ok to be scared, and important to share those feelings (as long as he's not taking it out on others). I told him that keeping these feelings in means that they grow and fester, kind of like leftovers in his lunch box. When he brings home his lunch box after school, and we empty out the food, we see the leftover food and get rid of it. If we don't empty out the lunch box, though, the remaining food inside rots. You still have to deal with it eventually and by then, everything is moldy and rotten and gross. It's important to allow and acknowledge the big emotions we are feeling to let them pass through, rather than build and fester.

I realized this might be good advice for me as well...

I am working to check the news and Facebook less frequently and J and I are sharing information in private moments. I don't want to shelter Toe completely, but he does not need to live the news cycle with me. Toe is home for the foreseeable future and I need to monitor my conversations in his presence, and also find private time to talk freely and experience my own emotions.