Spider Season

 I took myself "forest bathing" this morning in one of my favorite local parks. It started out supremely foggy and slowly burned off as I walked. I couldn't have asked for better light. These were all taken with a small point and shoot. I kicked myself for not bringing my good camera, but the point of the walk had been walking, not taking photos.

I believe there are three kinds of walks: exercise/GO-ing walks, partner walks, and soul walks. You can combine two of those three elements in a walk, but it is hard to combine all three. You end up missing something. Today was a soul walk for me. I certainly was exercising, but I was not on a time frame, and I chose my path as I walked. I stopped to take photos of things that stood out to me today.

It is spider season here. We have so many different kinds of spiders appearing in and out of our house, it feels a little like a wing of a zoo. Every time we walk outside, some new web is at head height, waiting to catch an unsuspecting human by the mouth.

In the forest, they are everywhere. Branches, ferns, grass, are all covered with webs, so many, it looks like someone went crazy decorating for Halloween.The fog had condensed on each line and the webs practically glowed from the right angle. I would frame six webs, but only one would show in the light...

The light through the fog really showed detail and texture today (without making too many shadows).

 You could practically hear the forest working. Leaves drifted down from trees, as did drops of condensed fog. The forest was literally watering itself today (um... rainforest).

 When I got to the overlook where you can usually see the river, I was treated to this sight:

 

I thought about how sometimes being in the fog only allows you to see what's in front of you, not the big picture. It can be disconcerting because it is difficult to know what's happening, but it can also be a chance to narrow your focus and really look at what is right in front of you.

I stopped in the part of the park where J and I were married one wet, dark afternoon in February (sixteen years ago). The place feels sacred to me - I can feel a connection with Spirit, Universe, God here.

 I walked up the hill and leaned against one of the shelters and just stood, soaking it all in: the light, the cool air, the trees, the grass, the bird noises.

 I turned to my left and saw THIS:

 It was just perched there, soaking it all in. We looked at each other on and off for a while and finally I left.  On the way home, the fog was gone and autumn was just beginning to do her beautiful work.

School Days, School Days...

Class of 2026

The kid has FINALLY gone back to school. I think our area started later than just about everyone. My sister's kids started mid-August in the midwest, but in our area, it's a tradition to start after Labor Day weekend. So, Tuesday, we went to the school for an hour of orientation and then Wednesday was Toe's first day of school.

The area divides kids into a lower and an upper elementary so Toe starts at a new school this year.  Last year at the end of the school year I had a meeting with the new school counselor and principal (along with the school counselor who guided us through the perils of K-2) to discuss the transition to a new school, Toe's 504 plan, and his CF needs. Last week, we met again with the school counselor and principal, the district nurse (who has known Toe since Kindergarten and will follow him through high school), and Toe's teacher.  Both meetings seemed very productive and I felt heard and supported. I know it has to be overwhelming for a new teacher to hear all of Toe's individual medical needs as well as be getting a new class of individuals with quirks, needs, and talents. I do trust that we all have Toe's health and best interests at heart. We tried to assure his school team that we feel, as the parents, that it is our job to work with them and provide the support from home that THEY need; and that we understand the pressures they are under and understand that there might be some bumps along the road.

 Orientation involved a lot of paperwork and a short presentation by Toe's teacher. She is new to the district, but seems very competent and kind. I liked what I heard. I was also pleased to see that many of Toe's friends from Kindergarten (who have not been in his classes in first or second) are in his class this year. One of his good friends even has a desk at his "cluster." Even better- she is a girl who is fun and funny but who also knows when to focus and get her work done - this is an important skill when sitting next to Toe, who loves to talk a little too much.

While I waited in the "Transportation" line to turn in the form saying that school buses are giant germ tubes and I will pick up and drop off, thankyouverymuch, J and Toe hit the playground.

Happy boy on the playground after orientation.

They both were pretty muddy by the time I found them.

"Dad, I don't think those were meant for someone your size!"

SO, the next day, we got up, did breathing treatment, got ready, and WENT TO SCHOOL.

TIRED

 We parked so we could take the prerequisite "in front of the school" photo. I had a great one set up, and just as I hit the shutter (yes, I was using a point and shoot), Toe said, "Here's a quick photo tip..."

We interrupt this shot to give a quick photography tip

"When you are setting up a shot, don't choose too interesting a background. If you have too interesting a background, it makes you look at that and not the person in the shot."
"Wow, thanks," I said, as I hustled the kid closer to the front doors, hoping I could get a smile somewhere else...

Thankfully, I did get one by the front doors before I sent him inside.

First day of school, Grade 3

The first day of school went well and  Toe had a good time. The homework due Friday is great (bring three items that represent you and write two sentences about each on a note card) and includes a rubric (a teaching term - "Heidi Andrade’s commonly accepted definition is a document that articulates the expectations for an assignment by listing the criteria, or what counts, and describing levels of quality from excellent to poor."*) that set expectations for parents and kids. My teacher self had a little happy dance for that one.

I'm sure I'll have more to report later.


*http://rubistar.4teachers.org/index.php?screen=WhatIs

Gulf Coast Holiday

We just got back from a trip to visit J's folks on the gulf coast of Texas. You'd think Texas in August would not be a good vacation choice, but we look forward to it each year. R&G live very close to the beach and we spend our days inside in the air conditioning and go out in the mornings and evenings to enjoy the water and the sand. Personally, I love the heat (albeit with the choice of air conditioning when I want), so I spend a lot of time on their porch and in their garden while Toe plays with the grandparents. J came with us for a week and then went home to work. Toe and I stayed another week and continued our adventures. Here are some highlights from our two week visit:

1. Sea turtle release:
Apparently this is the time of year that baby sea turtles hatch. On this particular morning, they released three batches (they look like pepper at the feet of the guy on the right) and guarded against predators (mostly birds) while HUNDREDS of people watched. It's a herculean effort for a baby sea turtle to reach the ocean, even under the best conditions!

2. Time at the beach
We had breakfasts, barbecues, picnics, built sand castles, played in the surf, took walks. The constants were the perfect sand, the bathtub temperature waters, and the ocean breezes (acceptable because they were so darn warm!).

3. Fishing
Toe didn't catch anything but tried a number of times, with a number of different kinds of bait. My favorite moment was when the fish jumped out of the water INCHES from his line (but he didn't get a bite).

 
4. Swimming in the canals
R&G live along a canal system that opens into the bay. The water is hypersalinated and bathtub temperature. Buoyancy is incredible because of the salt content. You have to paddle to get anywhere, but not to keep yourself afloat. This makes for very peaceful swimming (and a great learning environment for someone who does not yet swim..).

5. Outdoor/Indoor Fun
We went to a place that had go-karts, bungee trampolining, and a ropes course. Toe was enthusiastic and (despite his fear of heights) approached it all with enthusiasm. HE was the one who wanted to do the ropes course. I went along for moral support. We were warned that once you started, you had to complete the course (the harnesses were uni-directional). He still wanted to do it. He complained the whole way and completed the course with only a little hand-holding. I was very proud.

We both tried bungee trampolining. Toe loves it. I did not expect that simply jumping up and down would activate my motion sickness, but after two minutes I was DONE. I had to sit on the ground and breathe afterwards. I personally won't be trying that one again.

Toe then cooled off with his Grandpa in the attached arcade (and after we went and played 18 holes of miniature golf).

6. Grandparent time
R did many of Toe's breathing treatments and watched a lot of Netflix with Toe to learn about his interests. He helped her with garden projects and she helped him bake a pie. We all played board games and board games and board games.

As a parent, actually getting a vacation can be hard. Wherever you go, you still have to take care of meals, laundry, details. I love going to visit the grandparents because there are 3-4 adults dividing duties, so I get a real break. I helped with meals, laundry, packing and unpacking the car for the beach, taking care of my kid; I was not having to make all of the decisions and I had time to just rest. I read two books. I sat and looked at the water. I took naps. Meanwhile, Toe and his grandparents had some quality time together. And I got to enjoy the water. The thought of swimming in that warm water carries me through the year.

Rock Climbing

I tried rock climbing for the first time at a Women's Expo in March. It was an amazing experience. I know I shouldn't have been, but I was nervous. I hate that falling feeling. A dear friend offered to climb with me. I think they gave her a harder course than I had... We both did pretty well. My arm strength is not that great and the grips got harder the higher I got. I made it to the top and pressed the buzzer, but my arms were tired. I was not able to look around and enjoy the view - I headed straight down. I couldn't bring myself to just ride the harness down, I had to climb.

By the time I was back on the ground, my adrenaline was going and my heart was racing. I knew that my arms would not be able to do that climb again any time soon. However, when someone offered me a bag of apples a few stalls over, I couldn't say no. I spent the rest of the afternoon carrying around a giant bag of apples. Couldn't just give the arms a break.

Closing Lenore's estate the past few months has felt like rock climbing, except each time I think I have reached the top and can start down, I find there is further to climb.When I finally do reach the bottom of this Lenore project I am going to be VERY tired. And I'm guessing when I'm done, there will be apples for me to carry...

Clearing Out

A moving van perfect for three. Thank goodness we're not actually moving.

Closing down Lenore's estate continues. We have gone through the house, found the photos, journals, and other important papers, chosen the items we want to keep, offered items to friends... Lenore was a relatively organized person with a fairly organized house. However, she had lived there thirty years. This process has taken time and been emotionally draining.

I have spent almost every Friday in Portland since Lenore was diagnosed at Christmas, first with her, then closing down her house. I have been supported by my mom, my dear friend AL, and Lenore's friend Michelle. We have sifted, unpacked, sorted, packed, had work parties with larger groups....The process is ongoing.

A weekend about a month ago it became time to pick up the furniture for our family, my mom, and my sister. We rented a moving van in our own small town because we had a couch to take to some friends, drove to Portland, unloaded the couch, and then the friends helped us load up at Lenore's. Apparently my spacial prediction skills are not that great - we rented a much bigger van than we needed. Better too big than too small.

An interesting experience: renting a U-Haul, but not actually moving

It was painful to watch the items leaving Lenore's, even knowing that they were coming to us... Every step makes it less Lenore's house and more a shell... I took a walk in the back yard and her rose garden is already in bloom. Here's what I harvested that day and send home with our friends:

Seeing all of those blooms and knowing that she's not here to enjoy them was maybe the hardest part of the day for me. Len was a very earthy and sensual person - she enjoyed how things looked, tasted, smelled, felt. She appreciated beauty in many forms and her garden gave her so much pleasure. Her house and garden were an extension of her self.

Since then, the rose bushes have gone crazy. They are covered with blooms, some of them more than 10 feet high. The back yard has become a rosy jungle.

I am learning a lot from this process. One is that everything in the estate/probate process takes considerably more time to complete than I anticipate.The house is no exception. The clean-out continues. The Portland trips continue.... I suppose this shouldn't surprise me. A life is an amazing and complicated thing; closing down a life is no different. In this complete process I am gaining new respect for those people who have helped aging parents, who have lost relatives and then had to close things down. I did this when my dad died ten years ago, but his estate was incredibly simple, and my memory has been very selective. I remembered the grief (still feel it), but forgot how raw I was for the first six months. I remembered how overwhelming the tasks were, but had forgotten why.

MEANWHILE....

While all of the issues with Lenore have been happening, life has continued with zest and fervor in our corner of the coast. J's folks came out to visit in January for Toe's birthday. One of Toe's buddies who was born the day before Toe held a Jedi birthday this year and we took Toe to Portland to attend. Highlights of the party were Jedi training with a stage combat/martial arts master who taught them a real combat sequence (but only after he talked to them about The Force and feeling energy in your body and breathing) and building their own light sabers. It was an impressive party, well managed by the parents, and so much fun.

Jedi Toby-Wan-Kenobi

A week after Toe's birthday, J celebrated his. I tried my hand at making a German Chocolate cake. I had no idea how labor intensive it is! It was not the prettiest cake, but it was delicious. A dear friend brought J a cake to celebrate, so we had two.

Lighting the non-German Chocolate Cake

 Toby, J, and I all got bikes for the birthdays and so now we have the task of teaching Toe how to ride his without training wheels. It will take some time for him to learn to balance and steer at the same time. It is not coming naturally for him, and he becomes frustrated easily. We're taking it in chunks.

 We also inherited a dog from Lenore - Sasha. She is between twelve and  fourteen, a Belgian Malinois? Sable Shepherd? and an absolute LOVE. We've had fun getting to know her - taking her for walks, brushing her, spending time in the yard... She loves walks and people food and trips to the vet (she spent time as a vet-tech training dog years ago, so she is really comfortable there). She really HATES metal bridges, riding in the car, and having her people being on different floors of the house. She is very polite with people and other animals and great on a leash. She charms people wherever she goes.It has been a joy adding her to our family.

At the end of February, we took J's brother, Uncle Awesome, to the airport to return to Peru. He has taken a job down there and plans to return sometime - maybe in six months or a year. He was with us for a whirlwind two months and we will miss him.

The day after we took Awesome to the airport, J and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary.
We were married on February 29, so after 16 years, we have only had four true anniversaries. We celebrated by taking Toe and another couple out to dinner.

 Recently, Toe took the radio world by storm. A friend of ours runs a children's hour on our local community radio station once a week. While she was on a trip recently, a group of our actor friends filled in for her. We sang, read stories, and J played his guitar. Toe took to the venue as if he had been doing it forever. He introduced himself and his parents, read the Jules Pfeiffer book Meanwhile, told jokes he had made up himself, and generally made himself at home in the studio. It was pretty hilarious.

 For Easter, we went to my "big brother's" house for brunch. He had some mutual friends staying with him and they made an amazing breakfast (it was Indian food, so a little spicy for Toe, but J and I LOVED it). It was the first time I've seen Marc in a while and we had a good time catching up.

 Finally, spring has arrived in our neighborhood. Our azaleas, periwinkles, and fruit trees are blooming and we are spending more time in the yard.

Other events have included a visit from J's Aunt Betsy and Uncle Craig (first time we have seen them in sixteen years), taking Toe to see Waiting for Godot and Twelve Angry Men, saying goodbye to Toe's godparents who are moving back to Minnesota, and continuing with our daily routines of breathing treatments, work, school, and lots of laughter. Kind of a busy winter-into-spring.

Loving Lenore

Post-Christmas dinner, 2015 (steak!)

 Right before Christmas, my eighty-four year old cousin, the yoga instructor with 1/4 of an acre in the city who lived off her garden all summer, went into the ER with numbness on her right side and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The tumor was deep in her thalmus and a biopsy was not possible. They did two weeks of radiation therapy to see how the tumor would react. As it did not react at all, they are pretty sure it was a glioma. Len's decline was rapid.

She went from fully mobile in late December to supporting herself on furniture and walls (she couldn't feel her feet but could still walk) to walking with a walker. Each week she has been weaker and we've been working to keep up. At first I thought she would do radiation and heal and be back in her garden by spring. Lenore knew better. She announced she was dying and that she had two months... Adjusting my expectations weekly was rough. She finally accepted Hospice care in early February and died February 19.

The amazing thing is that through this whole process she experienced a state of euphoria. She was not afraid of the process or dying and barring a few bumps accepted each new decline with grace and joy. She felt no pain. She was delighted to see visitors. Someone described her as "wallowing in joy."

Lenore was able to pass away gently in her own home thanks to an amazing team of friends and family. Kelli, a friend from Lenore's St. Andrews Catholic Church days (10 years ago), arrived at her doorstep, asking what she could do and ended up moving in with Lenore and providing 24/7 care for the two months of Lenore's decline. My dear friend Alisha served as her Medical Power of Attorney, coordinating all of Lenore's doctor and radiation visits (and attending many), and coordinating friends to come give Kelli respite every day. I served as Lenore's Power of Attorney and visited once a week, working to help Lenore file paperwork and apply for services as needed. An army of friends came to spend time with her, bringing her flowers and steak (her preferred food). With technical help from Alisha and her husband, Greg, Lenore was able to Skype with her daughter, Kathi, for hours each weekend.

Lenore's friends helped to re-house her animals (her dog came to us, the cats and fish went to friends) and have been incredibly supportive throughout the entire process. After her death, The Movement Center, one of the places Lenore taught yoga and where she was part of the community, held a Phowa for her, a traditional Tibetan Buddhist ceremony to help her spirit ascend. The ceremony was incredibly moving, a perfect memorial for a woman who lived life so fully.

It was an amazing journey, one that I can not capture in a blog post. As executor, it is now my gift to Lenore to close down the remains of her life. This involves a lot of paperwork, and going through her house... Alisha, Mom, Toe, Jason, and Lenore's friend Michelle have been by my side.

This is a sharp learning curve and I'm still in shock. The process has involved coming to terms with the fact that Lenore was dying, helping her on that journey, getting the pieces in place to make the clean-up easier, learning what being an executor entails.... I miss her. That's the bottom line.